I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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