I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
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