This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
