Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
