my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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