Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
