Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
