Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
