my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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