I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
