Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
