I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
