i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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