I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
