I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
