You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
