i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
