we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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