I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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