I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
