That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
