brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
