My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
My dick has a subreddit
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Randomize
