Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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