If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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