he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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