isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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