You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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