Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
