My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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