Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
