Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
