I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
