Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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