I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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