Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
