You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
