Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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