Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
