How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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