how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You're a waste of cheezeits
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
