For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
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