I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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