Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
