Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
