The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
