She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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