ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Randomize
