I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
