I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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